The Little Engine That Went to Rehab

Once upon a time, there was a Little Engine.  The Little Engine tried to get over a steep hill, but it was too difficult for him.  So the Little Engine entered a twelve-step program, and he learned that the first step toward getting over any steep hill is to admit to yourself that you can't do it.  So the Little Engine sat at the bottom of the hill, repeating out loud:

"I KNOW I CAN'T.  I KNOW I CAN'T.  I KNOW I CAN'T.  I KNOW I CAN'T."

And he successfully did not get over the hill.

The next step toward getting over the hill was to turn himself over to a higher power.  All the other engines in rehab had questions:  "I'm an Atheist, and don't believe in a higher power," said one engine.  "I'm a Deist, and I don't believe in divine intervention," said another.  "We're all Catholics, Protestants, Buddhists, Jews, Hindus, Muslims, Wiccans, Shintoists, Rastafarians and Baha'is, and we all believe in free will," said the rest.  But the group leader quickly corrected them, and told them that they can identify as any religion or no religion at all, just so long as they all believe that their actions are being controlled by an invisible omnipotent being.  So the Little Engine sat at the bottom of the hill repeating out loud:

"I know I can't unless a nondenominational supreme being does it for me.  I know I can't unless a nondenominational supreme being does it for me.  I know I can't unless a nondenominational supreme being does it for me."

After a while, the Little Engine decided that this wasn't working, so he asked his New Age friend for help.  His friend said, "Just try again."

The Little Engine said, "It can't be that simple.  If it was that simple, I'd feel stupid for not having done it in the first place."

The friend said, "Okay, I'll make it sound more complicated then.  You are a being of energy vibrating at a higher plane of consciousness in the universal energy astral temporal quantum vibrational particle consciousness energy thing.  Therefore, before you get over the hill, you have to tell yourself that you can."

The Little Engine thought about this.  Then he said, "I have no idea what you just said, and that must mean it makes sense!  I'm going to try again, and this time, think that I can."

So the Little Engine started up the hill, repeating "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..."

And all the people gathered around to watch.  And they all said, "Did you hear that he quit his rehab?  What an idiot!"

And the Little Engine felt bad and gave up.

The end.

Shawn Ravenfire Recites The Little Engine That Went to Rehab