Video Game Boss Sketch
By Shawn
Ravenfire
INT. EVIL LAIR
TITLE SCREEN: VIDEO
GAME BOSS
A video game BOSS is standing in a castle room.
BOSS
Ha ha, my evil plan is coming together. Soon, I shall rule the world. But first, I must be certain that all the necessary preparations have been made. Wizard, Warrior!
WIZARD and WARRIOR enter.
WARRIOR
You called, sir?
BOSS
You are my most trusted and high-ranking mini-bosses. Tell me, are there any obstacles which may interfere with my plans for world domination?
WARRIOR
None, sir. All the rival bosses attempting to take over the world are patiently waiting their turn, as usual.
My crystal ball has shown me that the entire castle realm is sealed off. It is physically impossible for anyone to get into this realm to make trouble for us, who isn’t already inside.
BOSS
You think someone may have gotten in?
WIZARD
One hero, plus a few store clerks and random peasants that give cryptic clues, but they’re sworn not to leave their predesignated locations.
BOSS
What do you mean?
WARRIOR
Non-player characters are limited to a specific room, and can only give particular items or information. We can’t attack them, and they can’t do anything but help the hero.
BOSS
Why can’t we attack them?
WARRIOR
Because we can’t.
BOSS
Why?
WIZARD
No one knows.
BOSS
If they’re helping a hero to defeat us, shouldn’t we round them up and execute them?
WARRIOR
No, because they’re non-player characters.
BOSS
I really don’t understand that, but no matter. As long as we can kill this hero. Tell me about this so-called hero that the people have sent to defeat me.
WARRIOR
Just one man, working alone, with no equipment or skills to start out with.
BOSS
Fools, sending in an amateur. We’ll make easy work of him. Anything else?
WARRIOR
He can run indefinitely without needing rest. He can jump at least twice his own height. He can carry an unlimited number of items without taking on extra weight or volume. Pretty standard.
BOSS
What the hell did you just say?
WARRIOR
He’s a pretty standard hero.
BOSS
He carries unlimited items without taking on size or weight? How does that even work?
We’re not sure, but it seems that all the heroes these days have that ability.
BOSS
Can we get some people doing research into this? Because this could be useful.
WIZARD
Yes, sir.
BOSS
And you also said something about never tiring out?
WARRIOR
Yes, although he can sustain physical injury, he never slows down from physical exertion.
WIZARD
Again, pretty standard stuff. He also gains greater resistance to death over time.
Break his legs.
WIZARD
That won’t work. He has this unusual physiology where no matter what part of his body we hit, it makes him indestructible for a few seconds, and drains some of his life force.
BOSS
That’s a bit metaphysical.
WIZARD
The key is to keep depleting his life force before he can find food lying on the ground to replenish it.
BOSS
Why would there be food lying on the ground?
WARRIOR
You never know. One of our guards might drop a piece of cake when he gets hit. Or you know how sometimes, you hit a candle with your sword and a pork chop falls out?
BOSS
That may be the stupidest thing you’ve ever said.
WIZARD
You’ll be happy to know that our foot soldiers can re-spawn an unlimited number of times.
BOSS
You mean our soldiers can come back from the dead?
WIZARD
Yes, just not while the hero is in visual range.
BOSS
How did we do that?
WIZARD
It’s complicated… and also I don’t know. What we do know is that it only works for small, easily-killed foot soldiers. You, I, and the other level bosses can’t re-spawn. Once we’re killed, we stay dead.
BOSS
Well that sucks. What about the hero? Can he… “re-spawn?”
WIZARD
No, but he has unlimited continues and occasional one-ups.
BOSS
What’s a one-up?
WARRIOR
It’s a random object that once the hero gets a hold of it, he has an extra life.
BOSS
And it only works for the hero? Why do we even have these things lying around?
WARRIOR
Well, they’re hidden, so we’re not sure where all of them are.
Who put them there?
WIZARD and WARRIOR
We don’t know.
BOSS
So when he runs out of lives, he’s dead, right?
WIZARD
No, that’s where the continues come in.
BOSS
What’s the difference?
WIZARD
He reappears at an earlier point. It’s kind of like a time warp.
BOSS
So everyone can come back from the dead an unlimited number of times except for us. That’s not fair.
WARRIOR
Our level bosses still have the advantage. They’re really big and powerful. The hero would have to find very powerful weapons in our realm in order to defeat them.
BOSS
So why don’t we send them out first, before the hero finds any weapons?
WARRIOR
What?
BOSS
If the level bosses are so powerful, why are we letting the hero fight his way through a bunch of weak foot soldiers, collecting weapons and experience, when we could just send the level boss right to where the hero is and keep killing him straight off until he gives up?
Long pause.
WARRIOR
Because we don’t do it that way.
BOSS
Why?
WIZARD
It’s not very sporting.
BOSS
I’m trying to take over the fucking world, I don’t care if it’s sporting.
WARRIOR
Plus, most of the level bosses are too big to leave the rooms they’re in.
BOSS
They are? How’d they get in there in the first place?
WARRIOR
Um…
BOSS
What do they eat? Where do they go to the bathroom?
WIZARD
I’ll be sure to ask them the next time I see them.
You’re a wizard, right? Can’t you put a curse on the hero or turn him into an animal or something?
WIZARD
The only spell I know is fireballs.
BOSS
That’s it? Didn’t you go to some kind of wizard school or something?
WIZARD
Yeah, that’s where I learned how to do fireballs.
BOSS
I could just buy a flamethrower for that.
WARRIOR
Well, if you like fire, you’ll love all the lava pits.
BOSS
Okay, now we’re talking.
WARRIOR
In order to get to us, the hero will have to cross several rivers of red hot lava. We spared no expense.
WIZARD
No matter how powerful the hero gets, he can’t survive falling into lava.
BOSS
Sweet.
WARRIOR
And the platforms are really small and hard to jump on.
BOSS
Platforms? What platforms?
The Warrior opens the door.
The Boss looks outside to see platforms suspended above the lava pit,
some of which are moving.
BOSS
Holy fuck!!! What is that thing?!
WARRIOR
It’s a platform.
WIZARD
You know, a moving platform.
BOSS
Wha… what holds it up?
WIZARD
Holds it… up? I don’t follow.
BOSS
There’s a chunk of the ground suspended in mid-air! Several of them! Some of them are moving back and forth with no means of support! Nobody finds this odd?
WIZARD and WARRIOR
Not really.
BOSS
Have you ever considered, oh, I don’t know, locking the door?
WARRIOR
Oh, we definitely locked all the doors.
They step back into the room and close the door.
BOSS
Good. Who’s got the keys?
WARRIOR
Well, no one’s got the keys.
WIZARD
We left them on the ground outside.
The Boss hangs his head for a moment in disgust.
BOSS
Are you trying to make us lose?
WIZARD
Well, we put them in different places. It’ll take him a while to find all of them.
BOSS
Is there anything else you left lying around outside for the hero to find besides keys, food, weapons, peasants with vital clues, and hidden whatchamacallits that raise him from the dead?
WARRIOR
Just some large gold and silver coins, huge gems and bars of gold and silver.
BOSS
How much are they worth?
WIZARD
In points or in cash?
BOSS
Cash! How much are they worth in cash?
WIZARD
Well, a diamond about half the size of your body would be worth something like a billion dollars, and there are several thousand of them lying around. As for the gold, I’d say we’re talking billions of dollars’ worth.
WARRIOR
Of course, when you consider inflation rates, you’d need about a hundred of these giant diamonds to buy something like one sword.
BOSS
So what you’re telling me is that we’ve got enough money just lying around, that I could have ruled the world any time I wanted just by buying up all the property, but instead we left all that money lying around so that the man trying to kill me can use it to spend a trillion dollars on a knife.
WIZARD
Wow, when you put it like that, it almost sounds silly what we’re doing.
BOSS
It is silly! It is very very silly!
The HERO bursts in with a sword.
HERO
Surrender, vile villain!
BOSS
Okay.
HERO
Okay?
BOSS
Okay, I surrender. This whole thing was a bad idea anyway.
The Boss leaves.
Wizard and Warrior shrug.
HERO
This never happened to Simon Belmont.
END
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